Santosha or Just Surrender to the Goddamn Moment.

This morning I woke up with a list of things today that all felt like they needed doing immediately. It is a normal Monday morning occurrence and sometimes even an everyday occurrence. It feels as if my brain is cacophony of tasks yelling or whinnying at me to get done. Sometimes, this totally inspires me but other times and by other times I mean most of the time, I just want to sit on my kitchen floor and cry. 

Where do I begin? How am I supposed to tease out the most important task? I am writing this very post to you now as my stomach growls at me for lunch because I am too overwhelmed and pig-headed to stop what I am doing and eat something.

Why deny the obvious, child?

This has been yoga's greatest lesson for me. Technically, the yogic teachers would call it santosha.  Santosha is sanskrit for contentment or satisfaction. The idea is that you should embrace and live each moment as you receive it, breath by breath by breath with contentment.

I don't know about y'all but that sounds practically impossible. I think about my next meal while I am still eating the meal previous. I ask my husband constantly what the plan for the day/week/month is. I worry about pass choices. I regret things I said 3 years ago. That is clearly not somebody who embraces santosha. 

Besides, who the hell am I to ENJOY sitting still. My emotional dial is very rarely at a 5. I am either a huge horrible mess of sadness or I am swinging from the rafters in ecstatic joy. I like to keep it interesting, you know? Plus, there are things to be done. Bills to be paid. Errands to run. Jesus, I am gonna give myself a panic attack just writing this.

But, when I am on my yoga mat and I breathe, I can catch glimpses of this. My mat is a pause button. It is a chance to slow down my brain and detach myself from my thoughts, my emotions, my worries. In fact, yoga says, you are not your thoughts, your emotions, your worries, your mistakes. You are you in this very moment and you are your breath. 

Think about that. You are not your thoughts, your body, your mistakes. You are you right now. You are this moment. What could you do with that power?

Now, this does not mean that sometimes I am not spending meditation time in yoga class to make my grocery store list or think about all my worries for the week. In fact, I do it often. But there are times, a few of them, when my focus slides down the back of my head and under my brain and I am not those things.

I am just my breath.