This is a post about self love. But not really. But it is. I don't know.
There is exactly nothing you could say to me that I have not said to myself. There is no insult you could hurl at me, word you could call me or disdain you could toss my way that I have not said to myself. I am easily and without question my own worst critic and enemy.
Listen, I am awesome. I really am. I am kind, funny, charming, funny. I am a great cook, I love deeply. I am fiercely loyal and have a great laugh. I am strong and work hard. I am self aware and creative. I like to have fun and live life to the fullest.
But when I fall down the deep dark hole of depression and self-hate, I really lean into it. I know where all the bodies are buried. I know my weak spots. I can find a needle in the haystack of my brain if I must but it usually is not that hard, to be honest. And once the snowball starts rolling, it only gains momentum and size. It really only ends once I ride it all the way down to the bottom of the hill or runs into a tree.
The worst part is when I realize it is happening and then beat myself up for beating myself up. Like, shit, woman, how dare you treat yourself this way! YOU ARE LIKE SUPER DUPER AWFUL. It is straight up paralyzing.
I am fat. I am ugly. I said something that was unkind or downright hurtful. I was ungenerous with compliments. I talked over someone in conversation. I ignored a friend in need. My house is dirty. My papers are unorganized. I need to quit procrastinating and write a blog post. I was short with my family. I spent too my time on my phone when I should have been giving Z or Ron my full attention. I am a subpar mother, wife, daughter. sister, cousin. I am loud. I am loud. I am SO FUCKING LOUD. I said something inappropriate. I was not a good friend.
Listen, I could write this list until we all turn to dust. I really could. But when I start to come out of the drunken haze of self hate I am in, I pull back and think about my friend Vanessa. Oh, you guys. My friend Vanessa is lovely. She is pretty and smart and passionate. She is devoted and wonderful and honest and such a great friend to me. She is honest and supportive and sweet. I would never ever ever ever want to hurt her. In fact, even when I am honest with her it is from a place of kindness. I trust her to make her own choices. I know she will do what makes her happiest. And if Vanessa were in my shoes, I would be kind and empathetic to her. Because I love Vanessa.
So, I try to talk to myself as if I were giving Vanessa advice. I would say what she would say to me. Which is basically, you are gorgeous and smart and powerful. You maybe feeling yucky and bad right now but that is not the full picture of who you are. You might think that you are not worthy of love, happiness or even cake, but that is not true. You just have to keep walking and there will be light.
So, if last week was terrible and you spent a lot of time beating up on yourself, crying or being terrible, first, forgive yourself. Then, talk to yourself like you are talking to your best friend. Talk to yourself the way your best friend would talk to you. Picture their face. Know that your thoughts, faults and fears are not the full picture. You are more.
Keep walking. There will be light.