I've Got 99 Problems and a Beast is One.
Y'all, if i have to watch Beauty and the Beast a million and one times, you have to endure my concerns with the movie. I have many. Like. Not even totally serious ones. Just like WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE? And I am not even talking about the Stockholm's syndrome shit.
- What is so weird about Belle? Like, why these simpletons gotta hate on her? The entire opening number is about how odd she is. Y'all. I am odd. I know odd. Belle is not even kind of odd. She just likes to read.
- How in the fuck do these people not know that a. there is a HUGE castle nearby that in recent history contained a prince and b. is enchanted with a large beast? They all seem surprised that there is a beast. They straight up mock Belle's father about it but then somehow know exactly where the castle is. I call bullshit.
- It is down right blizzarding outside but Gaston and Belle's father are in short sleeves. Uh. Okay.
- When the beast and Belle start falling in love and he eats like a wild animal? Makes no sense. If dude can speak and act human, how does he not know how to eat properly. He may have been an evil or narcissistic prince, but homeboy was still a prince and I am certain his mother taught him how to use a goddamn utensil.
- The scene where Belle's father is putting his mouth on a minor and the minor giggles "oooh! His mustache tickles, mama!" Makes me super uncomfortable. Sure, the kid is a fucking tea cup but what the hell, Disney?
- The three busty blonde chicks are all crying the day of Gaston's "wedding" but the night before, in the pub, they are laughing and smiling as he describes his plan.
- Gaston is more than a little rapey. When he is in Belle's house and in fading her space, I want to kill him with his stupid shotgun.
- There is mention of beer in the Gaston pub scenes but the movie is set in France and there is very little mention of wine besides the champagne showers in "Be Our Guest."
- WHY IS MRS. POTTS LOOKING LIKE A GRANDMA EVEN THOUGH SHE IS THE MOTHER OF A FOUR YEAR OLD?
- If the enchanted rose were so special, he wouldn't keep it in an open window to a balcony. Just saying.
- At the very end, after watching the Beast transform into a human, Belle takes a few minutes to look at the man in a confused way as if thinking "could it really be him?" Bitch, you just watched him change. WHAT IS SO CONFUSING ABOUT THIS? Like, talking candle sticks and clocks are okay but changing back to human is somehow NOT okay?
Perhaps, i am crazy and have seen this movie too many times. I mean, I love the music and the jokes and Z loves to sing them all. BUT DAMN.
Okay, back to enjoying my vacation.