"What is wrong?"
"Where does it hurt?"
Hello. I am currently in the deep dark pit of despair that i sometimes fall into because mental illness is fun and cynical and part of my life in a way that someone without mental illness would probably find difficult to understand.
I saw my therapist on Friday and basically cried the entire appointment because the chemistry in my brain and body right now is off and I am so tired of fighting myself in my own head that could scream but I am honestly too tired to scream because I have been fighting so hard.
We think I have PMDD, which, if you want to over simplify it, means I have REALLY REALLY REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY BAD PMS. It really means that my mental health is very closely tied to my hormonal shifts that occur each month with my menstrual cycle. I often know the moment that i ovulate because that is when things turn a corner and get dark, ugly and super frustrating. I get two good weeks post period and then two terrible weeks pre period. It is like having emotional and spiritual whiplash.
There are things I do to help ease the symptoms, I do yoga, I go for walks, I eat well. But this past month was weird and extra stressful and had much less yoga and walking and way more chicken tenders and milkshakes. I know this because I feel extra super duper nasty this week as I wait for my period.
Last Monday, I was a rage volcano. I hated everybody and their mother. Tuesday, I was tired and depressed and wanted only to stare at the ceiling and not move. Wednesday, I slept. For four hours in the middle of the day. Thursday, I could list 869 things per hour that I loathed about myself. Friday, I cried. And then cried again. And, when I had to be around other people, I hated them and was certain they hated me.
Guys, I am not my brain chemistry, but this shit happens to me once a month. I have a nervous breakdown of varying degrees once a month.
So, what am I doing to get better? I have an appointment with my OBGYN in 2 weeks to discuss alternatives to birth control (which is used to help ease the hormonal swings and not a good option for me because I get migraines and therefore am a stroke risk). I am hoping he will have some suggestions and be able to give me something to level me out.
My period is due any minute and with it, I will get relief.
My mantra this past week is that anxiety and depression are liars. I am loved. I am wanted. I am worthy. I am more than just this bad chemistry. I am not my brain.
Thanks for listening and for all the wonderful people out there who reach out to me in kindness when I am not feeling lie myself. Especially my husband, who has super human patience and who loves me even more fiercely when I am fighting to keep my head above water.
Have a good week and be kind to one another.