Monday morning, I woke up and it was raining and I was tired and feeling pretty blah about basically everything. Ron came in to the bedroom and snuggled up next to me. His face in my hair.
"What's this for?"
"I just love you. A lot."
"Okay, " I said dully.
I do not deserve to be loved like that today. I have so much to do today. I want to do nothing. I feel like garbage. I am a mess. My house and work space is a mess. It is raining. I am not feeling bright and sunny. I do not deserve to be loved like that today. I have to earn that love and have done nothing to deserve it.
Then, because I had no better ideas, I went to yoga.
It was during our opening meditation that it occurred to me. Even if I do exactly nothing today, I am worth loving. Not just Ron's love but love for myself. EVEN. IF. I. DO. NOTHING. ELSE. TODAY. I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I do not need to work hard or eat right or exercise to deserve love. I do not need to be kind or loving. I can be lazy and ungrateful and mean and I will STILL be WORTHY of love.
I kid you not, that message has been sent and spoken to me thousands of times in my life. On my yoga mat, in catholic mass as a child and in religious studies I have pursued. It is the message of Jesus Christ in its purest form. You are a sinner. You are a human. I love you. Here is some grace. But it is also the message of yoga. It is knowing that all we have is the breathe we are currently breathing and that is all the matters. You do not earn your breathe. You are given it and that is that. You do not have to be good to earn your breathe.
It is probably a symptom of our culture that we are taught to hate ourselves and deprive ourselves of the real shit. The good shit. We are taught that because it helps sell us stuff to fill the hole in our souls.
And, look, you may be reading this and thinking: yeah. okay. I know. i have heard this before, I mentally understand it. I get it. Okay.
But when you REALLY internalize this, you will be free.
I am catching this feeling in small waves right now and am gonna keep being open to it.
EVEN IF YOU ARE TERRIBLE OR LAZY OR MEAN, YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.
I bet that will crack you open and make you less terrible, lazy or mean.
At least, I hope it does.
Because you are worthy.